Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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