I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Randomize
