I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
