If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Randomize
