if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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