Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
