I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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