i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
