I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
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we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
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I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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