literally had 100 drinks last night.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
