i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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