Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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