Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
