I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
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when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
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I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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