Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
