My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
