she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Randomize
