I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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