Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Randomize
