I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
