I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
