You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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