She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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