just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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