sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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