So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
