Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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