New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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