i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
