tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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