it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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