WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
