god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Boobs speak an international language.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
