The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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