remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Randomize
