I think i peed on brittanys purse
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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