i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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