i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
FUCK WHALES
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