By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
