In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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