I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
