The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
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