Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
