I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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