woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
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I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
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A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
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