I skipped work to stalk him.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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