i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
3pm strippers are depressing
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
