like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
should my penis look like a turkey
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
