Sponge bath it is.
I just pynch a tree in the face
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
