i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Randomize
