4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
thus making me awesome and them whores
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
