Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
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