I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
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