I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
