my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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