I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
