watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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