She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
